February 2006 (II): More Tragedy Averted

It's February 13, and no patriot can be happier or more relieved than Jesus' Best Administrative Assistant: "When I heard the news, I was afraid Vice President Cheney had been shot!"

But because even most fervent of the Bush-loving Rapture Ready may be in need of testing, Jesus' BAA will soon face a month of medical crises in her own home.

Actually, it's at the office, where she will face the medical crises of her home... And I will be subjected to hearing about them.

This all begins mid-month. She's on the phone, presumably with husband Sonny. Sonny, Jr., ex-Marine, has a high fever. There's a flurry of calls, then a trip to Emergency. More incoming calls; then from her side of the room: "BRAIN HEMORRHAGE?!! MY SON MAY BE DYING!!!"

Here, I need all caps of my own, since I want to ask:

IF THIS IS AN EMERGENCY, IS IT TOO MUCH TO EXPECT YOU TO LEAVE AND DEAL WITH IT, INSTEAD OF SUBJECTING EVERYONE IN EARSHOT TO YOUR MELODRAMA?

I already know the answer: the martyr must not leave this room because her Earthly Master might need his Assistant.

Later that afternoon, it's determined that Sonny, Jr. has a virus—not brain hemorrhage—and is not dying. Jesus' BAA announces that since she is having such a stressful day, she will need to leave the room long enough to buy a bag of potato chips.

When she returns, she's regained her usual façade of certitude that All Is Well And Is In God's Plan. A façade she will maintain, more or less, until the next crisis.

A couple of days later, the teen-aged daughter develops a "stomach ache" that impels her to phone Jesus' BAA throughout the day. It's like clockwork with this bunch: if one is sick, the others quickly find a way to bid for Mommy's attention. It might seem Jesus' BAA would consider that her family needs her doing her jeezusly duty at home, instead of being a brazen Career Woman... but that would require too much consistency from the mind of a right-winger.

Jesus' BAA brushes off the daughter's ploy. A few days later, there's a new round of calls from home. This time Jesus' BAA is a more discreet than during the Sonny, Jr. scare. She keeps her voice low, but I hear: "Your arm is swelling? I'm sure it will be fine..."

Later: "Your arm is twice its normal size? I'm sure it will be fine..."

Later still: "It's turning purple? I'm sure it'll be fine..."

Finally, Jesus' BAA addresses the room: "My husband was bitten by our pet starfish!"

Now, after a year and a half here, I have much experience with needing to retrieve my jaw from the floor. But this reaches a whole new level of gob-smacking.

After I've composed myself enough to send the story to Clever Sister, she works her research magic, sending me this:

There's only 1 venomous starfish: "crown of thorns" (!)
1. Phylum echinodermata, Class Asteroidea. Acanthaster planci. This is the only known venonomous starfish, its arms having large spins with venom producing integument. The composition of the venom is unknown.
2. Symptoms: Rapid onset of edema, erythema and pain. Cleanse the wound and apply topical antibiotics. Give tetanus protection.

An attack by a "pet" selected because it sounds like jeezus' favorite echinoderm?...words fail...

Photo: Michael Wood
Paris and the Surrealists, by George Melly