April 2006 (I): Doggie C-Sections...And Other Tales Of Family Values

I make a badly timed trip to the lunch room, where Jesus' Best Administrative Assistant is telling a captive audience of secretaries: "My daughter's dog is having puppies...that breed always needs a C-section... "

I first hear this as, "My daughter's having puppies"...

Which doesn't sound all that strange, considering how Jesus' BAA usually describes her canine relationships. But the special obstetric needs are her point: this appears to be a great distinction and source of pride—something like inbred diseases as a mark of royal breeding.

"American Idol" still exerts its thrall over the office, particularly Cruella. Who is called for real-life jury duty this month, then released.

"Lucky for me," she says. (But so much luckier for the defendant, I say.)

Now Cruella can devote her full attention to passing harsh judgements on teevee contestants: "Kelly was horrible! Paris doesn't have her own style!"

Jesus' BAA tries to pipe up: "But she's just a kid: she just turned 17."

Cruella insists, "Paris will go! The girls will be in the bottom and boys in the top 3!"

Though she takes this stuff very, very seriously, Jesus' BAA is also trying to Better Herself, ever since the arrival of Dr. G. Zuss and spouse. She is feeling especially full of Rapture™, because a campus orchestra (employee amateur players) is about to give a free concert. A Tchaikovsky overture/Broadway show tunes kind of program, over which Jesus' BAA exclaims, "I love classical music!"

Instant comeback from Cruella: "You'd have to kill me to make me listen to that kind of music! Now 50s music: that was the best there ever was!"

"I never heard it," says Jesus' BAA.

Presumably, because she spent her childhood locked in a closet, per instructions from the voices in her parents' heads.

One night this month I dream that Cruella is yelling about
F.D. Roosevelt. Though she can't bring herself to speak his name—she calls him, "that damn WWII Democrat!"

My dream self says to her, "if you hate him so much, why don't you give back your husband's Social Security?"

Cruella may invade my dreams, but at least that's one place where speech is still free. Though when I say so, Clever Sister forwards some "they're working on that, too" items from New Scientist. The articles are no longer free, but from CS's email:

It is possible to read someone's mind by remotely measuring their brain activity, researchers have shown. The technique can even extract information from subjects that they are not aware of themselves.

So far, it has only been used to identify visual patterns a subject can see or has chosen to focus on. But the researchers speculate the approach might be extended to probe a persons awareness, focus of attention, memory and movement intention.

Even without yet having that technology, DHS is busy protecting us from threats like eco terra-ists likely to terra-ize Patriotic American fax machines with terra-ist flyers.

There have also been a couple little bits of news about some of the officials...Such as the arrest of Brian J. Doyle, Deputy Press Secretary for the Office of Public Affairs:

Homeland Security official arrested in child sex sting

And appearing in court after his arrest in 2005:

Frank Figueroa, the former head of the Department of Homeland Security’s program to stop child predators (Operation Predator), today pleaded no contest to charges he exposed himself to a 16-year-old girl. According to the victim,"Figueroa pulled up a leg of his shorts, exposed himself and masturbated for about 10 minutes" in front of her.

TalkingPointsMemo does a rundown of the new DHS arrest, as well as scandals involving other administration officials. And, speculating that DHS must really stand for "Degenerate He-Men's Society," watertiger suggests

We're gonna need a bigger Post Office wall for the mug shots of this Administration.

It just happens that the day of Doyle's arrest, a faculty visitor refers to Fawn Hall (in some context I don't catch).

After the speaker leaves, the others scratch their heads, until Jesus' BAA suggests: "it sounds familiar...didn't she have an affair?"

Cruella: "Then, that must have been the Bill Clinton era!

Huzzah for no more scandals, not with Godly Republicans in power!